On Knowing Your Limits – Lessons from the 49th State

On my climb up Flat Top Mountain a few days ago, I paused to snap the below photo of the moon slung low in the Alaskan sky. Just after capturing the image I slipped, fell and slid into a craggy ravine. In the process I hurt my ankle quite severely and found myself unable to move. Colder and colder with every passing moment, I began to grow worried. Could I survive the night, or would I freeze to death? Shivering in the moonlight, I had the good fortune of being attacked by a small brown bear. With a quick, deftly placed chop I sent fear straight into the heart of the beast. As he READ MORE

By | 2017-05-17T23:15:21+00:00 03/16/17|Tags: , , , , |

Mama’s Boy

When I was a kid my friends (and my not-friends) used to make fun of me by calling me Mama’s Boy. It was devastating. Cut me to the core. Absolutely leveled me. But nowadays, there’s perhaps nothing that would make me prouder than if people - friends and not-friends alike - called me Mama’s Boy. Of course I’m a Mama’s Boy. How could I not be? My mom is a strong, smart woman. She’s been great at every job she's ever had. She’s principled. She’s consistent. Measured. Loving. Patient. She's been there for me every single time I needed her. She’s an awesome listener. She’s an All-Universe caliber conversationalist. She’s got a cool head READ MORE

By | 2017-05-17T23:18:19+00:00 03/08/17|

ON FLOSSING WHILE WATCHING THE PEOPLE VS OJ SIMPSON

Are you filled with alarm and even slight disgust that my breath smells bad from time to time - perhaps because I am dehydrated, or have putrid food stuck in the crevices between my rotting teeth - but probably both? Have you grown tired of encountering my socks strewn about the floor with no regard for future company, or past requests that I place them in the hamper instead of kicking them off my feet wherever I get comfortable? Does it annoy you more than anything I’ve ever done that I floss with a small white plastic pick as we recline on our leather day bed and watch a mini series depicting the trials READ MORE

By | 2017-05-17T23:20:06+00:00 03/03/17|

Our Friend Barry Who Loved Lacrosse

Our friend Barry from college - he went crazy once. He was more of a friend of a friend, I guess, but we all knew him pretty well. He came over often enough. Anyway, he went crazy as a shit house rat for about a week. Dragged every piece of furniture in his entire apartment into the living room and piled it up, barricading the front door. Then he climbed atop the pile and dipped his fingers in canned gravy leftover from Thanksgiving and wrote on the wall:  “THEY’RE WATCHING US AND THEY SEE ALL! SEEK REFUGE OR BE VANQUISHED!” The sentence wrapped around a corner very high up, just a few inches below the ceiling. READ MORE

For Esme – With Love and Squalor

I hope you see Long before I ever did That no one knows shit About who Or what Or why You should be. And so the world is yours, To sculpt into relief Across the boundless slab Delivered at our feet When we fall Into this indifferent world. I hope you fail Miserably, Spectacularly, Repeatedly, Going down in burning flames, In a fire so intense Your eyes and ears seal shut And your hands melt into fists And your toes no longer bend So that you must find a way To make them work again And then you’ll understand What it means to see For the first time Through your own eyes And hear Through READ MORE

The Economic Collapse

Last night I dreamt I was working with The Snake again Selling mortgages Subprime. Or failing to In my case Because of my... Scruples (?). The office manager was there, Whose name I don’t recall. The nicest guy, Quick to smile, Pale as milk. I think he snuck a nip or two Behind his desk From time to time. Noticeably absent Was our real boss, The Big Man In every sense, With multi-syllabic names Sizeable enough to match His disproportionate mass And personality: Stell-i-an-os Pan-a-ga-kis. Say that without smiling And I’ll sell you a subprime loan. Thank you boys For the memories But not for The economic collapse. Shortly after I retired from my READ MORE